Going All-In On The Acronym Game Congress Started

Staffers on Capitol Hill appear to be having way too much fun with ChatGPT.

Look no further than the two bills recently launched into the D.C. stratosphere, both aimed at overturning the ruinous 90% cap on gambling losses.

First, you have Nevada Rep. Dina Titus and her FAIR BET Act — Fair Accounting for Income Realized from Betting Earnings Taxation — which, honestly, pretty much makes sense. Good acronym.

Then there’s Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto’s FULL HOUSE Act — Facilitating Useful Loss Limitations to Help Our Unique Service Economy — which, well, might need a do-over on that one.

I’m betting up to -1000 these bill names came straight out of the ol’ AI machine.

Which brings me to two thoughts. Buckle up.

THOUGHT NO. 1: Why should D.C. staffers have all the fun with AI? I want to play, too.

THOUGHT NO. 2: We need more laws for gamblers, gambling, and the whole kit and kaboodle. (Fun fact: The last person to use “kit and kaboodle” unironically died in 1952.)

I’m not kidding. While I’m as libertarian as the next guy when it comes to gambling, the current landscape — legal, offshore, sweeps, prediction markets, whatever — could use a solid scrubbing.

So with that in mind, here are a dozen proposed laws Congress should take up immediately. I take either full or zero credit, depending on how this turns out.

ACE-HOLE Act
Anti-Collusion Effort for High-Output Low-Ethics players Act
Targets collusion in poker, DFS, and more. Punishments start with public tar-and-feathering at Stadium Swim at Circa. You’re welcome.

RED CHIP Act
Regulating Egregious Degenerate Casino Habits In Public Act
Would make it a federal offense to scream “ONE TIME!” on any casino or sportsbook floor. Mandatory.

DEGEN Act
Declaring Everyone’s Gambling Experience Noteworthy Act
This bill would mandate that every gambler patiently listen to another gambler’s bad beats and thrilling victory stories, which are always boring and tedious. Yes, you won some and almost won others. Whoop-dee-doo.

BETTER Act
Because Everyone Thinks They’re Exceptional Risk-takers Act
A federal ban on ever admitting you’re down for the day, month, year, or lifetime. Because nobody ever loses.

TILT Act
Totally Ignoring Logical Thought Act
Acknowledges the very real phenomenon of making completely irrational decisions while on a cold streak. Science backs this. Probably. Could be used in lawsuits, which everyone loves.

BUBBLE Act
Betting Utilities and Blockchain-Based Liquidity Enforcement Act
Just for prediction markets. Inspired by the great “was it a suit?” fiasco. This law would ban any prediction market with no economic utility.
“Will the Fed raise rates?” = fine.
“Will Steve Bannon get rained on while not holding an umbrella in the next 365 days?” = not fine.
This isn’t hard.

GAMBLE Act
Guaranteeing Accountability in Markets and Betting through Licensing and Enforcement Act
OK, this one’s real. Like, for real for real. A comprehensive omnibus law that covers all of gambling, and all of the things that look like gambling but are called something else in an effort to skirt gambling laws. Because we need it. Desperately.

SEVENS Act
Support for Emergency Vacationers Experiencing Near-bankruptcy from Slots Act
A spinoff of 1-800-GAMBLER, this hotline is just for people who went broke at the airport Wheel of Fortune slot machine.

HOPIUM Act
Helping Optimistic Players Ignore Unfavorable Math Act
Adds a toggle on gambling apps: “Don’t show me the odds, just take my money.”

TOUCHING GRASS Act
Touchscreen Optimization Under Comprehensive Healthy Interval Norms Governing Gambling Recreation And Social Support Act
This one’s not even a joke. Forces apps to lock you out if you haven’t been outside in an hour six hours three days a week. Touch some grass, people.

DEGENERATE Act
Deeply Engaged Gambling Enthusiasts Need Emergency Rehabilitation And Therapeutic Education Act
Not to be confused with the DEGEN Act. This law creates a federal registry of anyone betting on Korean ping-pong at 3 a.m.

And finally…

WIFE’S MAD Act
Wealth Investment Failure Emergency Support Marriage Assistance Disclosure Act
Requires gambling apps to send flowers to your spouse after a big loss, with a note that reads: “I was just playing through a promo and things went sideways. Love you!”