I Will Stop Taking 420Picks69’s Betting Advice, And Nine Other New Year’s Gambling Resolutions

Welp, it’s New Year’s resolutions time, which is stupid for two reasons.

One, because you’re just setting yourself up for failure. What kind of masochist decides the dead of winter, when the days are shortest and the couch is most inviting, is the perfect time to make grand pledges of self-improvement? It’s like deciding to start a diet. While eating homemade pasta. While sitting in Giada De Laurentiis’ kitchen. Or maybe even on her lap, who knows, it’s your fantasy, but yeah — you’re just torturing yourself.

Springtime — that would be a better time to make promises you’re not going to keep. At least that way, you can sit in the sun instead of on your couch and pretend you’re somewhere on the Amalfi Coast, where Giada … 

Anyway, we don’t make the rules, we just play by the rules, and as such: New Year’s resolutions time. Here are 10 of mine. Total on how many I follow through on has been set at 0.5, with the under being bet up to -145.

1) I promise to not play NHL DFS during the NBA All-Star break. So, understand this: The vast majority of my gambling dollar is spent on daily fantasy sports, and the vast majority of those dollars are spent on NFL (because of course), NBA (because I think I can somehow beat the projections), and MLB (because I’m insane).

And for the entirety of the year, at least one of those sports is going on. Except during the MLB All-Star break (which is what I like to call “summer vacation”) and, more dangerously, for a stretch in February, during the NBA All-Star break, when … my eyes wander over to the NHL lobby, and I start searching Twitter/X for some randos’ picks for the night, and — despite the fact I truly cannot name three NHL players, maybe not even two — I throw together some lineups. 

Oh, and I lose. Duh.

2) I vow to never blindly make a bet on something I see on Twitter. I mean, there I am, scrolling through the app, trying to make myself miserable, and someone with a screenname of 420Picks69 is telling me St. John’s and the points is a lock. Well, it’s a Tuesday night and my wife is at a school board meeting and … ah, what the hell. Let’s go Johnnies!

3) I pledge to never punt off a big win in an effort to win bigger. I live in New Jersey, I have iCasino, and I, on a daily basis, go scooping up the promo pennies. And some days, that’s all it is — pennies. But some days …

Last week, Harrah’s: Deposit $20, get $10 worth of free spins on some online slot. I deposit the money, withdraw the money, spin the slot, turn it into $16.25. But … it’s a 25x playthrough. So I head over to Lucky Larry’s Lobstermania Slingo (really), and promptly turn a 50-cent play into $224.

Hey now.

Now all I have to do is play though $380 or so, and I have like $240 to do it with. Even if I run cold, I can easily walk away with $200. Just play some reasonable RTP slot, and bingo-bango-boingo.

But … well, this is house money, and maybe I’ll give ol’ Lucky Larry a few $10 spins, and, crap, the board set up nice, I can buy an extra spin for $49.25, and crap, didn’t hit, so maybe punch it again and …

I’m sure you see where this is going. And believe me — it went.

Stupid. I’m a nit, and I tried to be a high-roller. Lesson learned.

4) I commit to not losing sleep over 1v1s in my DFS play. Fred VanVleet was clearly the right play over Derrick White, even though my min-cash win would’ve been a third-place finish. Yep. Not losing any sleep over that.

5) I will not bet on any Luigi Mangione markets. I mean really — what the actual f*** people? Can we maybe not bet on murderers? Oh, sorry, alleged murderers. More to the point: Can we not offer markets on murderers? Please? Come on. Come on!

6) I make an oath to not play any -EV games. I really try to limit my iCasino play to my daily bonus hunts, and I never go to Atlantic City or the like. Know thyself, right? I really, really, really want to try and cash this one.

7) I resolve to retire from PGA DFS. I love PGA DFS. I really do. Pick six golfers, and you are in for a fantastic four-day sweat. Seriously: What other game allows for that? Four days of fun!

Well, that’s assuming your six golfers make the cut. If they don’t … you’re not winning. 

And guess what? I have never run more cold in anything in my life. I rarely — I’m talking four-leaf clover rarely — get six golfers through. Heck, most of the time my lineups are shot by 10 a.m. Thursday when some no-name $6.3K scrub is at +5 through four holes.

8) I promise to spread out my Underdog best ball exposures. This resolution comes about after having more than 30% each of Hollywood Brown and Rashee Rice this year.

9) I will not accidentally be mean or short with my family due to gambling losses. Yeah, I hate this one. I say “accidentally” because it’s true — I never mean to be a prick. But after an ROI of -94% playing a Sunday NFL DFS slate, it’s tough to sit down and chat with Giada, er, the wife and kids Sunday night.

And finally …

10) Nathan MacKinnon is good, right? Because he doesn’t sound good. He sounds like a Boston accountant. But fine. I’ll slot him in. Go blue lines! Or whatever.