Schuetz: A Look Into The Future — To New Year’s Day, 2027

“Prediction is very difficult, especially if it’s about the future.”

— Niels Bohr, 1885-1962

The date is Jan. 1, 2027. I’m about to sign in to a regulated online sportsbook, where I am greeted with the following message:

WARNING: You are about to log onto an Internet Sports Betting Site. If you are good, there is a likelihood that your betting limits will be reduced to pennies, or you will not be allowed to bet on this site at all. If you are bad and continually lose, you will be sent a variety of incentives and encouragements because we built and operate this site for addicts and fools.

I’m not sure how we got here. It started rather innocuously. 

In 2024, the Massachusetts Gaming Commission invited the leaders of the state’s licensed online sports betting operations to a meeting to discuss betting limits. The operators all promised to come, but apparently, a dog ate all of their homework, so they could not.

The MGC was not to be trifled with, however, and they politely asked again. The operators replied that they would think about it.

The third time the MGC extended the invitation, the operators said they would love to come and share, but they could not because their businesses’ operating methods and business plans were a secret. Very, very secret. They were so secret, in fact, that the operators had not even read them, which explains some of their financial performance.

They argued that if people knew the secret sauce behind things like the industry’s initiative on legalization in California, where they spent hundreds of millions of dollars to get 17% of the vote, then everyone would know the secret of what total fools they were, and that would not be good for the industry.

Finally, operator after operator explained to the MGC that they could not testify before the commission because their terms and conditions, clearly listed on their sites, did not allow it. It is important to understand that each site’s T&Cs are over 42,000 pages and are printed in Latin and Navajo. In short, the T&Cs did not give the commission the right to ask them questions, and that was that.

At this point, Commissioner Eileen O’Brien took out her Glock 19, which she carries in a concealed holster, dating back to her days as a prosecutor, and emptied the clip into the Zoom screen. Commissioner Nakisha Skinner, located in her office at the commission headquarters, could be heard yelling, “You go, girl.”

When asked about the Massachusetts situation, Jason Robins, chairman and CEO of DraftKings, stated, “This kind of reminds me of back in March of 2022, when I stated on Twitter, ‘If you sold #DKNG today, just be aware that my team and I are on a mission to make you regret that decision more than any other decision you’ve ever made in your life.'” Before and after this statement, it was noted that Mr. Robins was selling stock.

Asked what this had to do with the question, Robins indicated DraftKings T&Cs would not allow him to answer. He then immediately hired three more sports/celebrity endorsers so he would have someone who would sit with him at the games.

Elsewhere in our sphere …

But enough about the recent past. Here’s what’s happening currently, on New Year’s Day, 2027:

With DEI having been ruled illegal in the United States, the entire leadership of Global Gaming Women and its membership is now entirely male. There was a discussion, however, about allowing a woman to sit in the meetings so that she could take notes. And serve coffee.

To enhance the efficiency of prediction markets, sites are now required to allow only people with inside information to participate. This was mandated to make them more efficient at predicting things. Think about it.

A boat has been bombed by the U.S. Navy outside of Venezuela, killing all passengers. Apparently, it contained a team of bettors who had hit an eight-way parlay. The site’s terms and conditions stated you had to be alive to collect.

The city of Las Vegas has been required to change its name to Las Trump. Moreover, all casinos are required to be decorated in gold spray paint. Chips and cheques are only redeemable for a new Trump meme coin.

There are now 103 different phone numbers that people suffering from problem gambling can call. All of these must be listed on all advertisements in a font size no larger than 0.0001 inch.

At the Las Vegas airport, it was announced that the ride-sharing lot would be moved to North Las Vegas. It is mandatory to travel from the airport to the ride-sharing lot by taxi, and long-hauling through Bakersfield is accepted.

Since science has clearly indicated that there is a strong level of comorbidity between problem gambling and smoking, the AGA has noted that now people can stay at home and smoke and gamble remotely with iGaming, therefore just killing their kids and pets, and not casino guests and employees.

Kalshi is currently offering a proposition bet on whether the company will spend more than $2 trillion on litigation this year. They have also spent $3.4 trillion on the upcoming California initiative to make them street-legal and believe they can secure more than 20% of the vote. Jason Robins is helping with their strategic plan.

The Kalshi board of directors is now totally comprised of members of the Trump family. Coincidentally, this group has also been appointed as the regulators.

It appears that a bookie from Southern California backed a dump truck carrying $3 trillion in cash into the porte-cochère of Resorts World Las Vegas. Seven casino hosts and 12 cage employees gathered up a bunch of snow shovels and wheelbarrows to load it into the cage. The compliance committee, located in a small town in Nebraska, was unaware, despite Robin Hood 702 sending them two hours of film of the incident.  The Nevada regulators soon learned of the incident while watching the news and immediately fined the firm $750. Furthermore, three additional years were added to Scott Sibella’s suspension. The Nevada Gaming Commission noted that Sibella had nothing to do with this and had not been in the building for three years, but suggested that Sibella was their go-to guy when it came to punishing people.

In other Vegas news, the F1 track course will run through the actual casinos, and all local roads will be closed for two months before and after the race.

In Illinois, the legislature has added a 118% surtax on wagers. This money will go to the legislators.

The Financial Crimes Network (FinCEN) has required all gaming regulators to understand that “AML” stands for anti-money laundering. Apparently, this had never been explained to the industry’s compliance committees. They apparently thought it meant All Mighty Lord, and that was who they prayed to, hoping that no one would discover that they had no idea what they were doing.

Penn National has repurchased Barstool Sports for $2 trillion and really, really promises that they will get it right this time.

Dan Wallach has been notified that he must surrender his law license. Apparently, he kept citing things like the law and the Constitution in his articles, and this pissed off everybody. He also read the documents, and really, nobody has the time or need to do that. Just doomscrolling X is all one needs to do to achieve excellence in gaming law, and Dan just didn’t get that.

Finally, Dustin Gouker has entered the witness protection program, just because he should.

Can’t wait until 2028.

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Richard Schuetz entered the gaming industry working nights as a blackjack and dice dealer while attending college and has since served in many capacities within the industry, including operations, finance, and marketing. He has held senior executive positions up to and including CEO in jurisdictions across the United States, including the gaming markets of Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno/Tahoe, Laughlin, Minnesota, Mississippi, and Louisiana. In addition, he has consulted and taught around the globe and served as a member of the California Gambling Control Commission and executive director of the Bermuda Casino Gaming Commission. He also publishes extensively on gaming, gaming regulation, diversity, and gaming history. Schuetz is the CEO of American Bettors’ Voice, a non-profit organization dedicated to giving sports bettors a seat at the table.