George Washington Had A Dream, And That Dream Was About Gambling

It’s considered one of the best Saturday Night Live skits in the 50-year history of the show, and with good reason: It’s hilarious.

We’re talking about “Washington’s Dream” starring Nate Bargatze, and it aired in season 49. They brought the concept back last year, and of course Bargatze did it again at the Emmys last week, and … well, the first crack is the best. Without question.

But we here at Casino Reports realized something: The only thing more confusing that our system of weights and measures is our collection of laws concerning gambling.

So with that in mind, we bring you: “Washington’s Dream: Gambling Edition.” Take it away, Nate …

[Scene: Revolutionary War camp. Troops huddle around a fire. Washington (Nate Bargatze) steps forward, solemn, hands clasped behind his back. The troops fall silent.]

Washington (serious, slow): Remember what we fight for, and why. My dream is not only independence, gentlemen. My dream … is gambling.

Troop #1 (squints): Gambling, sir?

Washington (nodding gravely): Yes. And it shall make perfect sense. In some states, gambling shall be a felony punishable by prison. In the state next door … it shall be a tourist attraction with dancing girls and free cocktails.

Troop #2 (confused): Wait, which is it?

Washington (calmly): Both. Simultaneously.

Washington: Also, a man shall be allowed to wager his children’s college fund on his cell phone … but if that signal crosses an invisible line drawn by a potentially drunk land surveyor in 1823? No more wagering.

Troop #3: How will they know where the line is?

Washington (beat): Nobody knows. 

Washington: And sportsbooks? Sportsbooks shall promote a wager that sparkles like the Holy Grail. They shall call it … the same-game parlay.

Troop #1 (leaning forward): Does it work?

Washington (long pause): Never. Not once in human history.

Troop #2: Then why —

Washington (interrupting): Because it has seven legs and pays 847-to-1.

Washington: And ho! A man may bet not only on who wins the Super Bowl … but also on the exact color of the sports drink ceremonially dumped upon the victorious coach.

Troop #2 (in disbelief): They’ll take bets on sports drinks?

Washington (gravely): Orange will be 3-to-1. Purple, 12-to-1. And it will always, always be blue.

Troop #1: What about yellow?

Washington (shaking head slowly): Yellow is for quitters, son.

Washington: And some states shall permit wagers on college teams … but never on the local college team. For that team is sacred.

Troop #3: Sir … that makes no sense. None whatsoever.

Washington (deadly serious): You asked about lotteries? The lottery shall confiscate fifty cents of every dollar … and be praised as a charitable donation to children’s education.

Troop #2: That’s robbery!

Washington: No, my boy. That’s hope. Hope with worse odds than being struck by lightning while being eaten by a shark while hitting a same-game parlay.

Washington: And in seven blessed states, citizens shall play blackjack on their telephones while sitting on the toilet during their grandmother’s funeral. In the other 43, they must drive 14 hours through a blizzard to a casino that smells like Newport Lights and whatever Jamie Lee Curtis’ character smelled like in The Last Showgirl.

Troop #1: Who?

Washington (ignoring him): A man may wager thousands of dollars with the press of a button … but to withdraw $10? He must submit a notarized birth certificate, a driver’s license photo, and a blood sample. And tell a complete stranger the maiden name of his grandmother’s dog.

Troop #3: His grandmother’s dog?

Washington: Security is paramount. Always, always paramount.

Washington (pacing now): All winnings must be reported to the tax collector in excruciating detail. But losses? Losses vanish into the ether. Always, always into the ether … unless the gambler keeps a diary more detailed than the chronicles of our revolution.

Troop #2: That’s insane bookkeeping.

Washington: Insanity will be proven to be the foundation of good governance.

Washington: And slot machines! If a man wins $1,200 on a slot machine, he must immediately inform the tax collectors.

Troop #1: Why $1,200?

Washington (shrugs): Nobody knows.

Washington (voice rising): And if a man becomes too successful — if he wins too often — the house shall secretly ban him for the crime of rudeness.

Troop #1: Rudeness?!

Washington: Yes. The ultimate rudeness … of not losing.

Troop #3: What if he promises to lose more?

Washington: Too late. He has revealed his true character.

Washington (conspiratorial): Daily fantasy operators shall invent elaborate parlays, call them fantasy sports, and dare the authorities to understand the difference.

Troop #3 (laughing): They’ll get away with that?

Washington (matter-of-factly): For exactly seven years. Then they’ll rebrand as “peer-to-peer.”

Washington: Sweepstakes casinos shall call their gambling chips “sweeps coins” … and regulators shall nod thoughtfully, pretending this changes everything.

Troop #2: They’ll believe that?

Washington (beat): They’ll pretend to believe it. For a while.

Washington: And men shall desperately crave to wager on everything — wars, elections, whether celebrities are secretly lizard people, the exact moment civilization collapses. They shall be permitted to do so, but they will not call it gambling.

Troop #1: What will they call it instead?

Washington: Investing in probabilistic outcome derivatives for informational market efficiency optimization solutions.

Troop #2: What?

Washington: You know. Purchasing prediction contracts for informational price discovery.

Troop #2 (brain melting): What in God’s name does that mean?

Washington: It means absolutely nothing, which makes it completely legal, totally legitimate, and morally superior to regular gambling.

Washington (dramatic): Every sporting event shall be interrupted by 10,000 advertisements for gambling establishments … each ending with the same solemn warning: If you have a gambling problem, call this number.

Troop #3 (raising hand): But sir … don’t those very ads create the gambling problems?

Washington (long, meaningful pause): You asked about parlays, son?