Ten Slot Machine Ideas Generation X Would Empty Their 401Ks For

I opened up the DraftKings online casino the other day and saw a new slot game: Twister.

The game is based on the childhood game of the same name where you spin the wheel and have to contort your body to the colored circles on the mat. Good clean fun, at least until you become a teenager and realize this game is best played co-ed.

At any rate, the slot version: It’s a 4×6, and you need to match at least three across to win, and there are bonus rounds, and … 

… and the game is awesome because of the groovy late-’60s, early-’70s graphics, fonts, and music. It evokes a time and place, one where I was a lot younger and a lot more innocent. 

Obviously, this isn’t the first slot to take advantage of that. I can play The Flintstones, Wonka, The Price is Right, The Brady Bunch — there’s a ton out there to make the Gen X crowd feel right at home with when gambling.

But you know what? I want more.

So here’s a freebie, all you game developers out there: 10 Slots for the Gen X Crowd, Which You Obviously Already Think Has Plenty of Disposable Income to Drop on Online Casino Play.

That was a mouthful, but you get the idea.

Skinemax

If you were a teenage boy in the 1980s with basic cable, you definitely spent more than a few minutes watching Cinemax at night, when it turned into what we lovingly called “Skinemax.”

And we watched even if Dad didn’t pony up for it. Why? Because there was a chance the gods would align and you’d catch a glimpse of the female form. You’d watch the broken feed of it, all garbled, but every so often for a split second the picture would come into focus and victory would be yours. Same idea for the slot. All broken feed, but every so often it all comes into focus.

Get Smart

A little bit of a deep cut here, but if you were home sick from school in the 1970s, the Don Adams-led spy spoof was must-see-TV. And the slot would be awesome, from the Cone of Silence bonus round to hearing “I asked you not to tell me that!” on near-misses to the super bonus round where doors keep opening just by you coming near them. (For real: Every single time I come up to an automatic door, the Get Smart theme automatically plays in my head.)

The Bangles

Listen: The 2:47 mark of the “Walk Like an Egyptian” video is the single sexiest moment in the history of filmed entertainment. Honestly, it might be the sexiest moment in the history of history. Susanna Hoffs, lead singer of The Bangles, sings the title of the song twice while swinging her eyes back and forth with a sly smile spreading across her face. In a million years, I’m confident scientists will be more interested in this clip than the actual ancient Egyptians. So yeah, a Bangles slot where the bonus round is just getting to watch this clip for five minutes straight.

Star Wars

Now, understand, there used to be Star Wars-themed slots, until Disney bought LucasFilm in 2012 and started phasing them out as it didn’t match Disney’s family-friendly, anti-gambling stance. But uh … that’s changed (see: ESPN BET). So why not bring back Star Wars slots? It would be a massive hit. I’d love to see one in the Mos Eisley cantina, or one where you have to blow up the Death Star, or one with Princess Leia in chains … (Listen, I know a lot of these ideas have been just this side of horny, but come on: I’m harking back to a time when I was 14 years old. Let’s not judge.) 

Where’s the Beef?

Here’s a decidedly non-horny entry. Remember these Wendy’s commercials? They were awesome. Weird. Like, alternate universe weird. Honestly, the chain should bring them back. I bet they’d be a hit today. At any rate, let’s make a slot machine based on it. Simple gameplay, nothing fancy, get three hamburgers in a row, win money. 

Pulp Fiction

Well, there’s a Pulp Fiction pinball machine, so why not a Pulp Fiction slot machine? It could be one of those progressive-type things, where you play through the “chapters” of the movie. Imagine the thrill of a bonus round where you have to plunge a shot of adrenaline into Mia? Or a “lock and spin” feature where you have to follow The Wolf’s directions to clean your car after accidentally shooting Marvin? Maybe a whole Jackrabbit Slim’s vibe while we’re at it. The list is endless.

Swingers 

I mean, how is this not a thing yet? The movie takes place in Vegas, it has a cash-themed famous quote (“You’re so money”), and — of course — co-stars Heather Graham, who, it should be noted, is now 55(!) and still a knockout. Not to mention Vince Vaughn has been a spokesman for like 57,231 online casinos already. It all lines up.

Atari 2600

Honestly, I don’t even know what this would look like, but who wouldn’t want to spin this thing? Is there anything more 1984 than the Atari 2600? I dare say there is not.

The Breakfast Club

The quintessential ’80s movie featuring the quintessential ’80s young actors with the quintessential ’80s soundtrack. Let’s fast-track this one. The principal could be the scatter symbol triggering the “Detention Bonus” where players earn multipliers for breaking the rules. Feature Simple Minds’ “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” as the victory soundtrack. Can. Not. Miss.

And finally …

Choose Your Own Adventure

Remember these books? If you’re still reading this, of course you do. They were the best. Loved ‘em. Here every win could trigger a decision point whether to go on or not. Sure, you might get eaten by a minotaur, but you also might save the galaxy. Man, now I just want to read one of these books. But first I’m gonna watch that Bangles video again …