Sex-Themed Casino: Why Didn't I Think Of That?

Item: Soft2Bet is alleged to have made over $800 million by partnering with illegal offshore casinos, according to an Investigate Europe report.

According to the article, one of the sites that Soft2Bet allegedly profited from was Onlyspins, which, per the report, is “a sex-themed casino targeting European customers that doesn't verify if users are over-18.”

Hmmmm.

A “sex-themed casino,” you say?

Why didn’t I think of this? (That’s my big takeaway. Call the authorities.)

Combine the dopamine hit of online casinos with the dopamine hit of online pornograpy and you’ve got …

Instead of Lucky Larry’s Lobstermania, now you’ve got … Sexy Larry’s Lobstermania.

Instead of Huff N’ Puff, you’ve got … Huff N’ Puff N’ Pet N’ Stroke.

I could go on.

I’m going to go on.

It’s PG-13, I promise

Wheel of Fortune becomes Wheel of Foreplay. Spin the wheel to advance to the bonus round. Sloooooowly.

Da Vinci Diamonds becomes Da Vinci Diamond Hands. He just won’t let go.

Cleopatra becomes Cleopanties. Same pyramid, fewer layers.

The Buffalo-themed games become Buff-and-Blow-themed games. The stampede feature hits different.

Starburst becomes Bra Burst. The DD bonus round is a whopper.

Fishin' Frenzy becomes Kissin' Frenzy. Big Bass Splash becomes Big Ass Splash. Release the Kraken becomes Release the Rack. Raging Rhino becomes Raging Libido. Sweet Bonanza becomes Sweet Bone-anza.

Cash Eruption becomes … well, we can probably just leave that name alone.

But seriously, folks

Look, I know what I'm doing here. I'm doing the thing where you take a genuinely grim story and you make jokes about it for 400 words because the alternative is sitting with the actual sentence, which is this one: A casino wrapped in porn and which reportedly doesn't verify whether users are over 18 is making money.

That part -- and not to come off as some anti-gambling, anti-sex prude here -- isn't funny at all. Somebody sat in a room with a whiteboard and a slide deck and said, “What if we combined slots and porn and didn’t check anyone’s age?" and everyone was like, “Brilliant!”

I mean, what parent in the world would be happy to find their 15-year-old son sitting in a room, playing slots while chatting up porn models? It’s … that’s dark. That’s Mad Max territory. That’s Nihilism 1, Decent Humanity 0.

So, no, I don't actually want Huff N' Puff N' Pet N' Stroke to exist. I want to make the joke about it and then I want it to not exist.

Though, naive as I may be, I’m also not an idiot, and I’m horribly certain that someone, somewhere, saw the same story I saw and is now currently trying to figure out a way to marry porn and gambling on legal, regulated sites.

After all, you have noticed the way women are portrayed in slot machine titles, yes? We’re already drenched in “sexy” cartoon models. Not a far leap to … well, to Onlyspins, where you spin some wheels, play some blackjack, and chat up naked women.

So, yeah, I’m not exactly hopeful this stuff won’t make it to our regulated shores, because everything eventually does anyway.

And if it does, despite my misgivings, I would like it on the record that I came up with Wheel of Foreplay first.

Oh Vanna, indeed.